It was a very lonely sad day the day I picked up the phone to call The Watershed. I had come to the end of a horrific suicidal run. Thousands of dollars gone within a few days. My family embarrassed, worn out, confused, afraid, and so hurt. Nothing pretty about being locked in a bathroom pumping my blood stream full of whatever the drug dealer gave me. I couldn’t stop. I tried everything on my own to stop. I was clean before, but was scared and too prideful to ask for help. I wanted to die but couldn’t. I had messed up my life. I was full of guilt, shame, fear, loneliness, anger, and the pain was so strong. No amount of drugs could take these feelings away any more. And I was creating more pain more guilt more shame. No more money no more drugs. The thought of what I was about to do to get “just one more” gave me a quick glimpse into reality and I had a moment of clarity. I was graced with a gift of desperation. I wanted to live and I knew my next hit or shot that I would die. In my wallet was a Watershed card. I called the 800 number.
I remember very little what was said that day but I was soon on a plane down to Florida. Oh God in detox and treatment again. I ran to my favorite comfortable emotion of anger. I hated everyone, I hated my life, I hated feeling and hated I was here….I hated myself. I went thru the motions the first few days. I thought I lost my gift of desperation. The thought of doing all this work and feeling my feelings made me cringe. I almost threw that gift back and said “f” it…but I kept coming to group. What I had done in the past and what I was doing was getting no where. So I did something different. I started to listen. Moved closer to the front. Stopped trying to impress the “cool junkies” and girls. I started to share and share more. Then I started to share honestly. Then deeply. Other people started sharing. I wasn’t alone. I was getting things out that had for so long kept me sick. I started getting the right help I needed. If my back hurt and I went to the doctor telling him my foot hurt, then they would be treating my foot and my back never get treated and healed. I knew I couldn’t lie and had to be honest so I could get the right treatment and heal properly.
The Watershed Has Saved My Life
They were able to give the right suggestions and treat my addiction. I did everything they asked me to do. Of course I knew better than them, lol, but me “knowing” got me here. So I had to practice a principal that is so important to live and it was willingness. I got honest, I kept my mind open even when it hurt to cuz it went against all the loud voices in my head, and committed myself to be willing.
That willingness has saved my life today. I went to PHP. I went to IOP. I now live in Florida with beautiful palm trees in my front and back yard. I have a Sponsor. I’m going thru the steps. I have a home group. I go to meetings regularly. I help others. I continue with out patient. And you know what? My life isn’t better, I am. Those feelings of loneliness, guilt, shame, fear and that deep emotional and physical and spiritual pain are gone. I’m not alone. I don’t have to go thru this alone ever! I have so many true friends today. I have things like honesty, faith, hope, love, compassion. I got my smile back. I have peace and Serenity! Amazing! So unbelievable to me at one time. But as I live out this new recovery lifestyle I believe in miracles. I have found a loving caring God who is with me. That is miracle cuz I didn’t believe in any God at one time. Please, hold on to your seat. Open up and share honestly. Be open-minded. And be willing. Trust the Watershed. Give yourself a break.
No matter what the past has been…the future is spotless! Picture a clear white canvas. Your hands are paint brushes. In the present, this very moment, use the colors of recovery to paint a beautiful future… and live…clean.
My name is Jay and I’m an addict.
P.S. Those “cool junkies” I was trying to impress and fit in trying to be cool, have relapsed or are dead. One is in jail. And one is awaiting trial for armed robbery. It’s your life. Don’t play with it. No need to impress. There is no such thing as a cool junkie. There is, however, help awaiting you here in this treatment. Ask for it. That’s what you’re paying them good money for. If no one told you they love you today, I took time to write this because I love you.